When you feel fat..

what are you meant to do? Deal with it? Adjust your intake? Exercise more? Journal about it? 

I recently saw some photos from a trip away and it made me feel awful seeing myself in swimmers, post-baby, with a body I don’t even recognise. Instinctively (as in ed instinctively) I thought to myself “I need to restrict” and I need to do it quickly and furiously.. But now I’ve slept on it I am trying to tell myself that this is not the answer. But the problem is now, I don’t just feel fat, I ‘feel’ like I ‘look’ fat, which is differently to when I was underweight and felt fat all the time.. I kind of can’t explain it, but it’s different. 

I’ve been trying these past few weeks to move closer to a place of body acceptance with for me is actually 6-7kgs above my pre-pregnancy and borderline ‘healthy’ weight. But this is hard… But so is restricting I guess, and so is being consumed by an ED, not to mention trying to maintain this behaviour with a one-year-old. So once again, I am caught at a place of conflict. Wanting to loose weight on the one hand, and wanting to accept myself and move away from the ED on the other. The thing is I am less motivated to engage in ED behaviours these days, so therefore you would think that ‘acceptance’ is what I would naturally choose. But when I consciously say to myself, “I am going to love my post-pregnancy body”, I am going to embrace the changes that have allowed me to create an awesome tiny human” it just doesn’t happen!! I thought when I finally decided to accept my body at a healthier weight than what the ED permitted, and when I finally decided to let go of the ED no mater what weight I was, that it would all come naturally, I’d love and accept my body, or at the very least wouldn’t care… I always thought the problem was that I was not wiling to entertain the thought of accepting my body at a higher weight. But in fact when I have moved to a place in my mind whereby I’m “willing” to try and be happy and comfortable in my own skin, it has not been automatic. I feel like I am ‘faking it every time I reassure that voice in my head that keeps saying ‘I am fat’. I don’t believe myself when I tell myself that I can be happy at this weight, I am ok, I am not fat etc. I never truly thought that I would have to convince myself to be accepting of my body once I had made the decision to stop actively pursuing thinness  and thus stopping ED behaviours. I thought the battle, the struggle, was in getting to a place where I was willing to accept it… So not the case..

So where to from here?

My dietician said yesterday that I absolutely don’t need to be in a place of ‘I love my body’  right now, and furthermore I don’t really have to even accept it right now. But what I do need to do is continuing to challenge ed thoughts about restricting, exercising, etc. despite how I might be feeling about my body at any given time. It’s like once I came around to the idea of not pursuing thinness anymore, not loosing weight, not identifying with and ED I would automatically be ‘recoverd’, which is oh so wrong! I’ve got a long, long, long, way to go until I am truly comfort level in this new body and my skin as it is now, in any future pregnancies and the future, whatever my weight may be. But.. I am so far from where I used to be and I am actually at a place where thoughts about weightloss no longer turn into action the way they used to. I’m slowly moving to this (elusive it seems) place of acceptance, with the ultimate goal of course being a place of love and confidence in my own skin no matter what it is (provided of course I continue to eat a balanced and healthy diet most of the time). Maybe on a scale of 1-10, 1 being self disgust and funnily enough where the Ed is the loudest, and 10 being total self love and acceptance, i am at about a 5-6 currently which is a long way from 1 where I was in the throes of my ED.

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It goes like this

…… I start the day looking at my stomach, is it the same size, have I gained weight, or is itsmaller, considering I haven’t eaten in 10hrs. Maybe it looks smaller, then I think about what I ate yesterday and think that it can’t be smaller, I ate pretty normally. So what I think I see cant be true then?? 

But it kind of looks flatter, than say a few months ago. Or maybe it’s just that I’m beginning to care that little. It less, I’m beginning to eat that little bit more freely, I am perhaps beginning to just accept it..

Still maybe it’s bigger.

But I kinda don’t care, like I really can’t be bothered to hate myself anymore. I want my little dude to be comfortable and happy within himself, so I know I need to be too, so he can see what normal eating is and what it means to be accepting of who you are and  your body. I mean I’m not aspiring to change the world with these revelations, or advocate for self love for everyone… We all fight our own battles and we land at a unique place of acceptance that we can each manage, Which sometimes means self hate or othertimes total contentment and acceptance of where we are at. I’ve been at the one end where I totally hated everything about my body, but I’m kind of moving towards ambivalence, not loving it that’s for sure, but kinda not really caring, not needing to reassure myself every 5 minutes that I am in fact a normal healthy weight and no I am not obese.

I like the freedom and space of being able to eat more of what I feel like and less of what I ‘should’ eat. I’m am conflicted though because this more intuitive way of eating isn’t as healthy as I sometimes want.. I feel like I should be eating 100% pure, whole, organic food if I’m going to start eating properly – but I find this at odds with what I actually want at each meal.. I’d much prefer sugary/sweet foods than a clean, whole foods salad. Sometimes I go against my cravings and will make a meal that conforms more to the healthy way of eating, but I never feel satisfied, but I do feel clean and happy with myself. Then I eat fro you and cookie dough and it definitely hits my craving on the head, but afterwards I feel intense regret.. This impure and seemingly unhealthy foods don’t bring me closer to being the elusive ‘healthy person’ I so desire but at the time that’s all I want to eat. I’m trying to strike some sort of balance, like making sure at breakfast I have some vegetables so that if at lunch I don’t eat any I feel a little less guilty. Because I’ve always been known for and have been interested in healthy eating and nutrition (even though the ED kinda high jacked it) I feel like I have to have this perfect diet like I need to eat 2 serves of fruit and 5 of vegetables and that I shoudnt eat sugary foods, so each day I strive for this ideal only to continue to fall short and thus become disappointed with myself. I need to believe that it’s ok not to eat perfectly, or infact it’s not nessecRy to eat like this… I mean there is all this food around that if I did try and avoid it and stick to. Whole and lure diet it would require a lot of strength and willpower, but maybe this way of eating is simply. It required or as I said not necessary, like I don’t have to try and avoid it if for a good proportion of the time I am eating well. Maybe it’s ok to have fro you for lunch 2x a week or have oats and nut butter instead of a salad?! Maybe there is nothing to be proved by resisting temptations?? 

It has been a looooong time!

…years since I’ve posted. I still follow people’s blogs on my reader almost every day, but I took an extensive break from blogging because for me it was no longer serving its purpose. Instead it was making me feel incredibly guilty every time I screwed up in recovery, which was a lot! But so much has changed, with only a few things staying the same. I now have a one year old who is ridiculously cute and with whom I credit much of my recent progress. I tried ever so hard while I was pregnant to refrain from ED behaviours and I made perhaps the most progress I ever had, but still there were days sometimes weeks scattered throughout when I would restrict, or binge and purge and I really didn’t stop exercising until 2 days before I went into labour. I remember when my little dude was born that I literally had no time, capacity or desire to focus on myself and persue my ED, I was too spent, tired and emotionally drained from caring for a newborn. Then a few weeks later I binged and purged, and did it occasionally for quite a few months until early this year my mother-in-law died unexpectantly, at which time I again didn’t have the capacity to be eating disorderd as my husband and son needed my strentgh. I owed it to my husband, who stuck by me throughout my many years of hospital admissions, health scares, and therapy to step up and get my shit together for him. That lasted exactly 4 months, all the while I maintained my fitness, resumed running outside again (as opposed to the tredmill) and also started hot yoga again, managing a class every few weeks. 

Then I weighed myself, I really shoudnt have, I know this.. But I did and I was somewhat shocked.. I blamed ‘them’ all those drs, therapists, dietician’s etc who said if you normalise your eating then your weight will take care of itself….. But I was heavier than I’d ever been – I was a BMI of 22/23, not 17-20. For me this really hurt, they lied- exactly what I had been so fearful of all along had happened, in my mind Id gotten fat. Sure I’d had a baby 10 months before, but 10 months was long enough to be back at my pre-pregnancy (anorexic) weight right?! 

The restriction started, I lost 3kgs in a matter of weeks, then I got hungry, the willpower wained, restricting is harder with a little one, with being at home a lot of the time, with severe sleep deprivation…I caved, I binged, then I purged, after not doing so for perhaps the longest period in time since I got an Ed. 

I hated myself. I cried. I thought about leaving my son and my husband. I can’t go through this again..

I got support, minimised the binging, the purging, stopped restricting, focussed on being fit and healthy… Focused on my son. Vowed not to spiral out of control like I had so many times before, knew that if I did I’d end up In Hospital, knowing that this wouldn’t work for my son nor my husband. Stopped weighing myself. Continued to binge and purge perhaps once/twice a week.. Hated myself for doing so, but not wanting to stop either. Kept running. Started accepting my weight is never going to be where it was if I want freedom from the ED.. 

Started accepting my weight where it is. 

Realised that there is more to life than being skinny, but at the same mourned the loss of identity. I’m no longer the anorexic/bulimic, the skinny one, the one who only eats certain things and purges when she eats others. I’m no longer on antidepressants and at risk of self harm. I no longer have the opportunity nor inclination to spend hours exercising. I no longer am the one either refraining from drinking cos I got so drunk the month prior I’m still scarred, or drinking themselves stupid in an attempt to escape. I now choose not to drink because I have a son, and, I really don’t like alcohol nor its consequences. 

I no longer am the size I used to be, and I’m slowly accepting that if I want to be freed from this ED I NEVER will be again. I no longer have severe and intense hate for my post-pregnancy body, nor do I love it.. I do however, feel inclined to accept it.

I know this acceptance and this body is the price I must pay for  having a healthy relationship with food, for not being consumed with ed thoughts and having the ability to eat what I choose and enjoy food most of the time. This body is the price I must pay to be present with with son, my family, my friends, free from deception, lies, concelement.

This body, although not perfect or even the size I wish it were is the price I am paying for freedom. 

Is it worth it?

Yes.

Struggling.. But not defeated.

I can’t seem to sustain more than 2-3 weeks without a lapse in behaviours. Of course this is better, much better than before.. But it’s not good enough!

I hate this illness just when I feel like I’ve started to move away from it slightly, it rears it’s ugly head. So frustrating.. I just want this to end. I just want freedom.. My baby doesn’t want to have any part of this illness, I don’t want my baby to be either…

It all started when I had eaten all that I had planned for the day, then my husband basically made me go get icecream with him. I kept saying I didn’t want to go because I was happily full after dinner and supper and therefore didn’t feel like, let alone want to deal with the guilt that came along with the icecream sand all it’s calories. But I felt overly full afterwards and preceded to eat more knowingly, having planned to, binge and purge. I kind of hated every moment and relished it at the same time. I can say that this whole b/p process is not nearly as satisfying or whatever than it used to be. This is definitely an improvement and definitely a sign of progress to where I was prior to being pregnant.. But still my perfectionist self continues to make me feel inadequate, hopeless, unworthy, because I can’t seem to recover perfectly or without slips.. And I hate this.

Why won’t this ED just leave me the f*ck alone.. Seriously, I’m done, I’m sooo done with it.

New moon, new commitments

So much has happened for me over the past few days.. I publicly made a post on Facebook something which I had contemplated doing for some tme, I wanted to, but was really afraid of the stigma. To do this anonymously is fine, like here, but to let those around me, and put my face to my illness, this is something I feel ambivalent about doing. On the one hand I really want to reduce stigma, and publicly commit to recovery and to making change, but on the other hand I’m ashamed, I want to protect myself and don’t want to separate myself from my ED, but this is essentially separating myself from a huge, defining part of who I am.
So I decided to post it, still feeling unsure and anxious. But I did it, and the response was amazing, overwhelming in fact. I posted not about the details of my illness, but of my renewed sense of motivation, determination and commitment to recovery since finding out I was pregnant. I acknowledged my husband, but also the role that my unborn baby has played in propelling me towards recovery, and this was freeing and empowering.

It is also my birthday today AND a new moon, which both signify an opportunity to set goals, make commitments, and reassess where things are at.

So on this day of my birth, and this new moon, I am committing to recovery, wholeheartedly. I know, I know, I’ve done this before, BUT, this time it is different because, not only is there someone else to think about, BUT there is too much at stake if I don’t. This baby, this beautiful miracle has shown me more about recovery in its 15weeks of existence than I’ve learnt in the past decade trying to beat this insidious illness. This blessing has motivated and inspired me to shed the remaining parts of my ED- most of which I have been grasping at afraid to finally just let go!

I had a little slip yesterday, but I feel like it was kind of like the last goodbye to the ED. . I used to get some sort of positive feelings or at least revel in the moment when I engaged in an ED behaviour, but yesterday I didn’t. It was hardly what you would say a positive/pleasurable experience, like it once was, and I kind of felt like I was closing the door on something. THEN, then I made my post, got such support, and had an amazing birthday. This was enough to actually make me feel happy, contented, satisfied – a feeling I’ve not had since well before my ED at least.. But maybe ever?! Maybe it’s short lived, this natural ‘high’ but right now it has given me the motivation I need to actually make such a commitment, and actually believe it is possible to achieve. That this time, with different circumstances I can (will) actually recover. I’ve often committed/recommitted to recovery (millions of times in fact) but up until this point had not fully been convinced of my ability to actually recover and leave the ED behind for good.
But I think I’m there, or the closest I’ve ever been..

So many opportunities and motivations to step up to this time… I think I can actually do it!

So as I ended my Facebook post: ‘to my unborn child, whose mere existence is an absolute blessing, this.. this is for you’

Triggers and staying vigilant

So I am defiantly out of the danger zone, well as much as you can be! 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

Things are easier in some ways, things are harder. I am doing my absolute best to ensure that this is the time, above all else, that I remain consistent in recovery. I had perhaps one of the best sessions last week with my psychologist. Which started with me actually being quite upset and feeling quit attacked because of all the stuff she was bringing up about me still engaging in some of my ED behaviours whilst pregnant. I think I feel most shamed about it because there is just no excuse. I was not upset with her so much as I was with myself. I did try and defend myself, but at the same time I said that I don’t want to be doing that, because I don’t think purging whilst pregnant Is a defendable behaviour.. in fact there is no justifiable reason as to why I should be doing this at any time. This is what makes me upset, but perhaps I was displacing this onto her, as she was the one who was confronting me with it. This is an important quality for a therapist to have I think, because many of the other professionals I have, or continue to see, are often too gentle afraid to ‘rock the boat’ which means that I am never really held accountable, or I am never really confronted with my behaviour. I think these other people are scared that I am too emotionally fragile, that I might retreat too far back into the depths of my ED, or instead, engage in an equally destructive and self-harming behaviour. But you sometimes need this, you need them to call you out, to get you outside of your own head and the justifications you are thinking up to make yourself feel better.

She did say that she was willing to stick with me, that I can recover, that she has faith and believes I can do this.. which I think was the most fundamental and equally reassuring part of our discussion. So having said that I did end up getting through some strong urges over the weekend.. I ate a lot as I was down the coast with friends and they had brought all this food that pre-ED recovery I would not think of eating OR I would eat it all with the intention of purging soon after. But I ate it this weekend, a lot of it, and with a bit of a sense of losing control, but the difference this time is I didn’t go over the top, seek more food and then purge. I thought about it, I just didn’t do it. I guess I am hoping that this is one more tick for recover and one more time of not giving into the ED that can eventually accumulate to the point I no longer even think about these behaviours.
Being pregnant, being 13wks pregnant when I am now well and truly showing, is something that has made the ED in some respects easier to silence, and in others, much harder. Sure I need to eat, and eat more than normal to keep my baby healthy and happy – but given ‘Ive spent the majority of my adulthood wanting to lose weight etc. it’s hard when there is the ever-expanding belly on me.

All I know is that I need to keep vigilant, highly vigilant, knowing that these times of overindulgence, or opportunity, or aloneness will all catch me off guard and propel me towards the ED out of sheer habit. I also know that despite these incidences, I actually have the power to say no, and to not act according to the ED. Not only because I have the knowledge that I am in control of my own behaviours and that my hands do what I tell them i.e. they either open he fridge door to binge, or they open the front door to exit the situation. AND because I’ve been in these situations before, like this past weekend, and I have gotten through it. I’ve had the urges, the taunts, the nagging from the ED loudly in my head, and I have refused to listen to it. And I’ve been OK and more importantly my baby has been saved from the harm of a potential purge.

RecoveryHeathPregnancy

I have taken about 6 months break from posting. I have continued to follow those in my reader, every day I check in and see how people are progressing, or as the case my be, not progressing in their ED recovery.
It’s hard watching people struggle, but perhaps the most devastating is that in their words of struggle I can weave my own story. Of being motivated, but continually finding myself in relapse; of saying that I am sick of this life, only to engage in an self-destructive behaviour minutes later; of speaking of hope, inspiration and determination, but acting to the contrary in almost all areas of my life.

It’s like what is it gonna take – we talk and talk about this ideal life, of this ‘perfect recovery’ we are all in pursuit of. We know how destructive it is, we know it makes us miserable, we know we want more out of this life and many of us genuinely believe we deserve it and more importantly, we CAN get it.

But I ask again.. What is is going to take?

I feel like I hit rock bottom thousands of times, each time being a bottom I never imagined existed.. I can’t count the number of commitments I made to finally recover ‘this time’ or this day my whole life will change, or after my latest health scare/hospital admission that I’d had enough. But it never was.. It was never enough and the more setbacks I had the more disheartened I became. I never gave up entirely, I valued my relationships too much to do that, BUT, I did kid myself into thinking I could do this recovery half-assed.. Like I could still pick and choose the parts of the ED I was going to keep like refusal to gain weight, or still count calories and try and tackle the parts of the ED I wanted to rid myself of like purging and binging.

But as I’ve learnt over these past years of continually trying to rid myself of this illness, and on the whole being pretty unsuccessful, you can’t be selective with recovery. This is the one instance where it really is all or nothing. I’ve been told in therapy I’m too ‘black and white’ and encouraged to try and moderate this way of thinking and behaving, so it’s hard to disregard all this when faced with recovery, because this is perhaps the one instance where it does not apply.. Black and white, all-or-nothing in recovery IS essential.

So back to the question I’m going to ask a third time… What’s it going to take?

And my answer….

Finding out I am pregnant. This is what it will take. With another person who is complexly dependent on me to think about, recovery is a non-negotiable.

So here’s my journey of real ED recovery where my focus and motivation is turned completely upside down.. Because quite frankly I can’t afford for it to be any other way.. It’s not just about me anymore.

Recovery.health.fitness: week 3

Recovery:
So after my lapse (not relapse!) last Saturday, surprisingly I’ve manage to stay behaviour-free since then. This is absolutely out of the ordinary for me, I usually – almost always- let one slip continue to a rapid decline. I don’t have any idea how I’ve manage to do it though, I mean there were so many times I had the same old conversation whereby I begin to justify why I can continue to be completely eating disordered, because I was the day, or even the meal prior. But determining why isn’t as important as determining how I can continue to remain ED-free for now. I guess the things that have enabled me to stick with recovery since then are often hard to identify. I’m eating much more consistently I guess, and I’m incorporating some additional foods in my diet I would never allow normally, but instead I am acknowledging the importance of eating with variety, as well as the importance of healthy fats etc. Im really trying to focus on health and looking after my body as well as wanting to get the most out of my exercise, which of course if I am binging and purging is severely compromised. I guess also, the longer I am free of behaviours the easier it gets, as well as the fact that I don’t want to go and ruin all my hard work in not relapsing, by relapsing. I am still committing to my weekly blog here, and my daily written journal, and little by little I guess all these things are adding up. I acknowledge just how far I have to go, I’m certainly not sitting here in denial, and not delusional to think that I am even remotely close to being recovered, but I guess I’m starting to see some of the other things that make up my life beyond my Ed. I guess I mean I am starting to get a small glimpse into what life is/could be like without this illness tainting every aspect of my being, and although it’s not absolutely amazing, it is definitely much better than living with and Ed, and worth fighting for!

HEALTH:
I’m eating as naturally and wholesome as I possibly can, within of course the restraints of my ED, with flaxseed oil, quinoa, chickpeas, oats, nut butters, tofu, lots of vegetables, chia seeds, soymilk, yoghurt, fruit and seeded breads. I’m acknowledging the importance of the fuel I put into my body and the impact it has on my day-to-day functioning, and on my ability to exercise, and to stay motivated in recovery.
I’m trying to incorporate a bit more of meditation and breathing in my week. I wish that I could say daily, but I am only managing a few times a week. But I’m trying out this whole self-compassion thing, where I do what I can, with what I have, and accept that. Trying to let go of the guilt, of the self-criticism, of the judgement, of all of the negative self-talk that usually accompanies me not living up to my self-imposed expectations. So if I could only manage 2 meditation sessions last week, that’s ok, but I guess I will try for more the following week, and if I don’t succeed it will again mean that I will just try harder the following week.
Health was my original motivator, which then spiralled into unhealthy eating disorder, so I guess I’m seeking this original goal I once sought! I value my body despite the abuse, pain, suffering I have inflicted on it for the better part of at least a decade. I want to find this place of health that I initially wanted, despite it being a decade after the original thought.

Fitness:
Last week was pretty good fitness-wise. I managed 2x power yoga classes, 1 body pump class, 3x runs (10k, 10k, 6k), 20 min cycle, 2x weights sessions, HIIT/resistance session, plus a walk around the lake (6k) and a bike ride in my suburb (45-60mins).
My back is still hurting and I acknowledge that I need to probably slow down, I just tend not to let this awareness translate into behaviour. I’m getting into a pretty good routine with fitness, I think that’s partly due to seeing my PT, which then puts me in a good place for the week, and as such I am more motivated. I don’t have any huge goals at the moment really, I’m not looking at doing any event or anything, just to remain consistent with training and hoping to build some muscle.

Quote for this week: “be here, now”
I am aiming to be present in my interactions with people, with my work, at the gym, in my relationships. To be open, honest and frank about my feelings and in my behaviours.

Until next week…

Recovery.health.fitness: Week 2

“I said ‘I can’t do this, I can’t survive’.. And I never realised that’s what I have been doing the entire time…”

RECOVERY:
In terms of working recovery, I’ve been doing fairly ordinarily. I mean I’ve been doing OK, but had one significant ‘lapse’ (trying to ensure it is just that, not a relapse). On Saturday we had a big family BBQ event, and I did pretty well in terms of food, until after when my family left and I was alone, in the house with cake etc. I had been trying to convince myself all day not to purge, or not to binge, and I’m actually surprised that I managed, because it was a typical situation where I would almost certainly written it off and engaged in binging and purging. But anyway I didn’t quite make it, and therefore preceded to b/p twice more before the day was through. bUT what’s different this time is that I didn’t allow this to derail me the following day, or the following, which happens to be today. And, the other thing is my thinking around this has changed. Normally I would get upset, angry and then write-off the following days, week, month before I had any hope of getting back on track and normalising my eating; at which time the behaviour would have become habitual again and then the following month would most likely be a write-off too. So I’ve manage to contain my lapse to that one day, and in fact, to that one afternoon and evening. This is progress. I’m crediting my ability to do this because I’ve been much more forgiving of myself than I normally would, and also trying to practice self-kindness. When I beat myself up, and when I get angry at myself for relapse I become self destructive, and self sabotaging and subsequently continue to indulge my ED. maybe I’m stronger, maybe I’m learning, maybe I’ve just begun to listen to and practice all of the principles of recovery I’ve heard time and time again. Or maybe I’m just disparate enough to recover ill try anything.
In terms of proactive recovery I’m still attending weekly group, but it is not all that helpful. Just me and another girl, but she is still stuck in the ED mindset that I’m so trying to escape which makes it kind of hard. I’ve been completing my daily journal exercises and I guess committing to stay on track as best I can. Despite Saturday’s lapse I’m doing OK.

HEALTH:
Still going to my weekly meditation course, which is, to be honest, getting kind of boring. I mean I love that it has Buddhist undertones, and that overall it embodies the principles I want in my life I kind of don’t want to go somewhere each week to meditate for over 1/2 the 1.5 hr session. I mean I appreciate its important to practice it together, but really I want the discussion so that I am able to do it at home. But anyway, today I did a mindfulness session and committed to reading 1chapter per week of my mindfulness book. That was good and it made me feel kind of accomplished, just because the thing missing in my recovery, in my life, I believe is spirituality. I do really engage with my breath when doing mindfulness and I am hoping that I can then do this when I am in more of a crisis situation, or on the verge of giving into an ED urge.
I’m also still regularly practicing yoga. Only made it to two classes this week, but that’s ok I mean I’d love to always get to three classes, but this is a bit difficult at times. Given the whole BBQ thing on Saturday I was feeling exhausted, and a little demotivated.
In terms of food, I guess I’m reassessing some of the goals I want to achieve, because they are not really achievable for me at the moment while I try to stabilise eating and kind of normalise it. As much as I want to be able to cook fantastic vegan varieties each night, I’m kind of stuck I a same-food rut, and this is something I’m not able to be freed from just yet. So I’m not going to push myself on this end, as well as not going to kick the chai latte (because its so sugar laden) yet either. I am however, committing to minimising, hopefully totally eradicating artificial sweeteners from my diet. And this means diet soft drinks, which might be a little harder, and take a little longer, but one goal at a time, I’ve substituted artificial sw. for stevia which is ok, a bit more expensive and I do admit that I like equal/Splenda much more, but stevia is natural and better so ill continue to persist. Also trying for vital greens each day during the week, but didn’t manage to get there today. Just because I had breakfast at my dads and slept in, then felt full and sick. I think I’m going to reassess my breakfasts on Modays because before yoga it’s a bit much I.e. 2eggs and a English muffin. Last week food wise/meal plan was fairly average, but small steps.. Self kindness!

FITNESS:
Running still doing my best to do 2x 10km runs, and 1x5km run plus 2-3 yoga, 1 pump class – which i didn’t make at all last week, the one weights session with my PT plus additional weights. On Sunday I did a 20km ride on the exercise bike whilst reading a fitness magazine which was actually quite nice, focussing on reading rather than the number of minutes. I can notice my improvements with weights particularly, not so much with running, but definitely in terms of being able to push that little bit heavier, especially when the PT kind of pushes me. My back has been really sore lately though, so I a, not probably doing as well with yoga as I would have expected by now, due to my consistency, but I did see the physio today and hopefully this can help to get things sorted. I meant to do an outdoor 10km this morning, but as I said I was super tired so I slept in before going to dads and then yoga, but I then did a 10km treadmill run after, which was much more difficult. I had to take a few walk breaks, but overall I still got the 10km done within 50 minutes which is about equal to what I do when I do the same run, constantly outside.

So that’s it for the week… Until next week..